Currently Listening Christmas Eve and Other Stories By Trans-Siberian Orchestra see related

Another Christmas is here…and it only seems as if the years go by faster and faster as I get older..  Sometimes I wonder why it is that when you’re young, time stands still, but when you get older, the years fade away in an instant and you’re only left with the memories.

…memories.  To me, that’s what Christmas is all about.  It’s about time with family and friends, reminiscing about the last Christmas and the thousands of happenings in between the two. 

Christmas isn’t just about the tinsel and wrappings…and the gifts under the tree..  The house with the best lights or the snow or the wreaths.  Christmas is something much more spiritual…much more meaningful than any of that.  Those are just the icing on the cake.. 

To me, Christmas is a renewal of faith…  A remembrance of all that God does for us, and really, it’s a gift from God to us..  In a way, Christmas is all about the people..  because God gave man the gift of his son so that we could all live forever…  and well, forever sounds awfully good to me..  That’s a nice present..  (;

Someone told me not too long ago that they didn’t know if they believed in God…that they think about it from time to time, and their feelings are always changing..  I say to you – how could you not believe in something more powerful in the universe?  If you don’t believe, then what is life even meant for?  Where did you come from and where are you going?  What about the miracle of life..  and all the feelings you experience through it..  What about the intensity of love, the compassion, the miracle of birth?  Explain that to me…and how the ways of the heart work, and faith and healing, and why so many people have looked for something bigger and stronger than them for centuries, and then we’ll talk.  (;

Yes…Christmas is much more…  I think about it all through the year…but especially at Christmas..  and that makes me thankful for this absolutely magical time of year…  There’s a great Christmas quote I used to write in all of my Christmas cards…that says..  “Blessed is the season that engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”  -  Hamilton Wright

I just think that quote fits perfectly.

So anyway…Christmas was good..  I think the Christmas season is so romantic..  Too bad there’s no romance for me right here..  I have a perfectly good house filled with perfectly good fun Christmas things…and even mistletoe..  lol..  Oh well..  New Years is good for that kind of thing too..  I always say that I think it’s the holiday for people who don’t get to spend time together on Christmas – cause they’re all with their families.. 

Well.. Merry Christmas everyone..  Just wanted to post to wish everyone a great Christmas…and New Years and all of that..  Leave me a message to let me know what and how you’re all doing!!!  I’ll post again tomorrow if I can..  (;

Merry Christmas!!!  <3

Currently Listening Seasons of the Heart By John Denver see related

wow..  It’s been forever since I updated.  I just haven’t had the time lately, because of school.  The ridiculous amount of papers I write on a daily basis (about 4 a day) and then coming home after being at school for 16 straight hours, at 1 or 2 in the morning doesn’t exactly make me want to sit down and write..  It’s sooo time for an update though, so I’m squeezing it in..

Being home for Thanksgiving and visiting my family was pretty good..  I went home on Wednesday, and came back just this evening.  I had the best time with Dakota..  I miss him so much when he’s in Logan, and I’m here in Barboursville, but he has to stay there for now – until my 16 hour days become more like…6 or 8 hour days..  It’s funny how much you can love an animal..  I feel like he’s my own child sometimes, and I know he loves me too..  That’s what’s so amazing..  (;

I came back from Logan with a lot on my mind.. even more than I had on my mind when I went down there..  It just seems like there are so many things in my life that should make me happy right now, but they aren’t the way they should be.   I’ll finish my last semester of undergrad in seriously like…two weeks and two days or something..  and I can’t say that I’m excited.  Overwhelmed, maybe…but not exactly excited.  Christmas is coming, and while part of me is absolutely giddy at Christmas, the other part feels empty for some reason.  I don’t look at holidays like that the way I used to.  Years ago, the Christmas season meant time off from school, staying out late on dates and things almost every night of the week, playing video games, walking in the park, driving around to look at Christmas lights..  Now, it’s like I don’t really spend time with anyone, I go home and I don’t see new family members I haven’t seen in a while…it’s just me, my gma and my parents, as always.. and what I used to view as the most romantic time of year isn’t the same anymore.

It doesn’t help that my grandma – the only grandparent I have left – isn’t doing too well, and isn’t always the same person anymore..  She’s getting older, she’s getting sick, she can’t get around the way she used to…  She looks ten years older than she did a year and a half ago..  She doesn’t remember things..  But most of all, she doesn’t seem like my grandma…the person I looked up to for years, the person who raised me for five years before I went to kindergarten, while my mom worked.  When I go home, I don’t relax..  I go to her house and do things for her to take the load off of my parents…to try to be understanding and listen to her problems and what she thinks of my parents, and how she doesn’t feel independent anymore and she doesn’t like to rely on anyone.  It breaks my heart.  I miss my grandpa so much – especially at our holiday dinners – like Thanksgiving and Christmas – that I nearly cry every time we start to eat and my dad says the prayer.  I’m nearly in tears right now just thinking about him – the closest person I had to me in my family – and he’s been gone for four years.  I know that my sadness is only one small percentage of what my grandma feels, and I also know that she didn’t start to drastically go down hill till he passed away..  It’s like she’s been living in denial and depression ever since..  I truly believe the people who talk about others dying from a broken heart – and I only hope that’s not what’s happening before my very eyes..

I miss having friends around to do things with..  I miss Rochelle, and I never see her anymore.  Even if I do have time in my day, I can’t go and drive to Charleston (which is where she is) because I always have to be back for some reason, and there isn’t enough time to make the trip and see her too.  Even if I was to drive off for an evening, I’d make myself sick with the amount of stress I’d get, because of all the work I’d have due the next day.  I find myself constantly making to-do lists that are 20 and 30 entries long, usually on a daily basis, and I run crazy until I get them all finished…which often causes me to go to bed late and to get up early.  *sigh* I was thinking yesterday – I just miss her staying at my apartment, and us doing all the stupid things we used to do together.  I miss her trying on all of my clothes in my closet…and sleeping in my bed – in the flannel cow sheets.

Even when I’m home I don’t see the other one person I used to spend all of my time with, and hang out with anymore.  It really makes me sad because I’ve tried to talk to them in various ways, but I never get a response.  I don’t want to be avoided…and the thought of that breaks my heart as well.  That friendship was important to me, and a source of comfort in so many ways.  I guess I can just add that name to the ever-growing list.

I always think about Crystal and miss her friendship dearly…but today I saw Brenda.  When I see her mom, it’s like someone hits a big button and it lets out all of my emotions at once.  She looks so much like Crystal and has many of her mannerisms.  I haven’t been to the cemetery since Memorial Day…and it wasn’t good.  I didn’t go alone, and I got upset and cried…like always.  I thought I was going to be ok, but not so much.  It’s really hard for me to go there..but oddly enough, it’s the place I go to clear my mind when I’m upset about a million things at once.  I sit and I cry and I talk to her, like she’s sitting there beside me, and I feel like a big burden has been lifted when I leave – even though I realize where I am, and why I’m there…and that makes me sad too.

Other things in my life right now seem to be on my mind 24/7.  I analyze situations and what to do about things constantly, but there is no way to figure things out for some reason.  If there was a logical answer or direction I should follow, then it certainly hasn’t presented itself in the huge amount of time I’ve had everything on my mind..

Have you ever wanted so much for a situation to work out the way you want it to…yet it’s completely and entirely out of your hands?  It’s a terrible feeling, to know that you do all that you can, but it’s not something in your power to change.  It’s hard to feel like you’re maybe a disappointment or not reaching the expectations that were set so high.  I feel empty-hearted right now, and it’s hard to explain why.

*sigh* Enough of my rambling on, and totally depressed sounding entry.  I can’t help it.  It’s weird…part of me is happy right now..  and the other part just feels empty.  It’s odd…and hard to explain.

I’ll update sometime in the next few days…  Please leave a comment if you want – just so I know ppl are still out there…after all these months..  (;

Currently Listening Short Term Memories By Chris Rice see related

Ya know..  Sometimes there are things much bigger than us in life..  Hurricane Katrina’s hit on the Gulf Coast was most definitely a tragedy…but almost more important than the tragedy itself, is the way that everyone has reacted to it – at least in my mind.  I think that no one needs to point fingers to whoever they think is responsible anymore..  I’m certainly tired of watching people argue and debate this topic on tv news and talk show programs of all kinds.  George Bush is not responsible for the destruction in New Orleans and the surrounding areas any more than any of us are.  I don’t care if people think he didn’t act fast enough, or that we rush to help other countries in need, and then don’t do a thing to help our own.  I think the situation itself was simply a logistical nightmare, and that is why we’ve seen so many problems arise in the aftermath of the storm.

As I said before, Bush declared both Mississippi and Louisiana states of disaster before the storm hit.  FEMA was on the way before the storm hit.  People were told to evacuate.  The city has always been below sea level.  These are all facts that just can’t be debated.  The fact that the levees broke, bridges were washed out, and debris from the terrible winds left many places that weren’t completely flooded nearly impassable didn’t help. 

The media has NOT done things the way that they should.  Some of the stories are great, yes…but there are two ways to report disasters of this kind.  #1 – Tell the truth.  Telling the truth doesn’t mean to tell YOUR OWN truth…or what you perceive to be true..  Otherwise, they shouldn’t speculate.  Sometimes, that can only lead to turmoil where these types of things are concerned.  #2 – Remain fair and balanced.  At least tell both sides to everything….and yes…there is always more than one side to a story. 

I have seen so many reports showing up close and very graphic video (and pictures on the web) of dead bodies…bodies that are somewhat fresh, and also bodies that look as if they were just pulled out of the water…after being submerged for 5 or 6 days.  Reporters can still tell stories without showing such things up close..  You know, most television stations have policies about dead bodies, and most don’t even show bodies covered by a sheet at a far distance.  Why, then, am I suddenly being bombarded by images of decomposing people, so close that I can still see the expression on their faces?  That’s not good journalism.  That’s bad taste.

As for everything else…I do believe that things happen for a reason.  I agree with Adam – if you want to point fingers…point them to the people who didn’t continually update those levees…or work to make more precautions against flooding and such in that area.  You know…if you want to be even MORE critical..then blame the poor souls who lost their lives, for choosing to live in a place below sea level in the first place.  (ok..I'm not being serious - that was a bit sarcastic on my part)  All I’m saying, is that it really does no one any good to go nuts over who did this, or who didn’t do that..  We need to come together as a nation – and work together to collect money, food supplies, give blood, work with the cleanup, whatever is necessary to help.  Doing nothing but talking about it…does exactly that.

I believe in God…and I believe what he said – that we should take comfort in the fact that he has been in all of our tomorrows.  God is in control – certainly – he knows what’s best for us.  There is a verse in the Bible in the book of Malachi that says, “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”  There is a little lesson on this verse, that I have on my computer, and also one in my Bible..  I keep it with me, and I read it often… I think it really says a lot about the troubles we face every day, and quite possibly, the problems in the gulf coast. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Refiners Touch

There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi.  As they were studying chapter three they came across verse three which says, "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week the woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that, in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot - then she thought again about the verse, that He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. For if the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"  He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's the easy part -- when I see my image reflected in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep His hand on you and watch over you until He sees His image in you.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I think it's just important to remember that God is always bigger than anything going on in our lives...or in the world.  The Bible also says that we are not promised another breath...so it's definitely wise to be ready to leave this life at any time.  A life not lived for Christ, yet ended unexpectedly, is a terrible thing.  Any life that IS lived for Christ - nomatter when the final breath comes - makes all the difference.

Now, off to do some homework..  Have a great evening…  Leave comments..  (;

Currently Listening Closer By Josh Groban see related

I cannot believe the extent of the disaster in New Orleans and the Gulf Coast.  Last Sunday, I sat at home and watched 7 consecutive hours of Hurricane Katrina coverage on the weather channel before it made landfall.  Now, almost a week later, I watch nothing but death and destruction on tv, revolts from ppl who are starving, dehydrated and obviously not thinking clearly anymore – firing at rescue helicopters and workers…etc.  It’s crazy how people act in times of trouble like this..but you can’t blame them..  You sit down there amidst something like…80% destruction and flooding…warehouses blowing up and burning…people laying dead on the streets being eaten by rats, etc, because there is literally no place to keep all of the bodies…and you fear for your own survival and for your families survival..and I think you’d go a little crazy too. 

I am absolutely sick and tired of ppl sitting on tv and blaming the Bush administration…and our ‘poor government’ for all that they haven’t done in the right amount of time.  I think they started acting quickly before the storm even hit..  Bush declared the states of Mississippi and Louisiana in states of disaster before the storm hit in the first place, so they could get faster aid from the government, and wouldn’t have to wait so long.  FEMA got disaster relief ready as the storm was approaching..  It’s just that no one was prepared for the kind of wide scale damage that would actually be left after the storm.  Yeah – this is the biggest natural disaster in American history.  How can you EVER be totally prepared for the largest natural disaster, if u really have no basis of comparison?  Besides that, I think people have to remember that a lot of places down there – especially in southern Mississippi, the only way to get to some towns and cities, is literally by crossing bridges, and all of those bridges have been wiped out.  So…tell me this, if the waters haven’t receded, the bridges are all out…and the helicopters that try to rescue ppl are being fired at, what do these ppl on television, running their mouths about something that they obviously haven’t seen or experienced first hand, expect the government to do?

I have to say…  We’ve been talking about objective reporting and media ethics, as far as all of the Hurricane disaster relief has been shown on television in most of my journalism classes – especially my Journalism ethics class..  I saw something last night that made me proud to be a journalism student.  Honestly, I think the news media could handle a lot of things better than they are…but one reporter in particular, was in a split screen, talking with a woman politican..  and the reporter asked a question regarding relief efforts or something of that nature…  Well, the reporter began responding first by thanking a long list of other politicians for all that they had done, etc..  The reporter cut the woman off…and said..  (in an angry and frustrated tone, mind you..) “Look..  we don’t want to hear about this or that person who has done so much to help..  That isn’t the help that is needed here..  I just saw a dead body lying in the street…that had been there over 48 hours, just because there isn’t a place to store all of these bodies there are so many of them, and rats were eating it..  Now you tell me what kind of help these people have done for us..”  It was something of that nature anyway…and the politician just stood there…stunned and speechless..  It was really quite interesting, how the tables kind of turned there…

Well, I’ll post more in a little while..  I just wanted to get some of that off of my chest…  I’m home in Logan till tomorrow..  and I need to get some things done..and unload my car and clean it up a little..  I shall return later.. 

Leave comments…and let me know what u think of the disaster relief…and how it’s being covered on television..  I’m interested in your thoughts…

Currently Reading The Wedding By Nicholas Sparks see related

It’s been a long day…  We all helped Alex’s brother Tyler and his friend Ryan move into their dorm room in towers today..  It was fun, for the most part…  The intense heat might have been the only setback for the day..but I guess that’s to be expected in mid-August..  Kinda got me to thinking about the day I moved in to Courtyard with Crystal.  I was just giddy, and so excited..  We got up early that morning, and drove to Huntington, and spent the entire day cleaning and unloading everything..  We ran back and forth to each other’s rooms constantly, excitedly showing each other the fun stuff we had brought to share with each other. 

Man…I had the world at my fingertips that day…  I remember leaving to take a drive around campus, and up to that point, I had never driven by myself in Huntington at all…nor did I know my way around, or which streets were one way, etc.  I barely made it around the block surrounding campus, and decided to go home, proud of the distance I had gone.. 

I look back on things, and I realize how strange things can be sometimes.  It’s funny how naïve you can be without even realizing it..  The fact that there is no “real world”…cause we’ve been living in the real world all along, is something that I think I didn’t realize at that point.  Being naïve will do that to a person.  Regardless, though, it must be that outer shell that protects your heart from hurt, and from seeing the world with a clear view that must prepare you for what’s to come.  If we grew up honestly knowing and understanding that life isn’t always easy, then it might be harder to bear when things do go bad..  But it’s that innocence that children possess… I think a little bit of that never goes away..  It just turns into a sort of hope and faith that things will always work out for the best, and not to question things sometimes.

I realize I understand everything that I’m saying, but most of you who are reading this probably don’t..  Oh well..  This xanga is my outlet…and that’s why I love it..  The jumbled thoughts of my heart might spill out and seem confusing to others, but to me, it’s perfection.  (; 

Sweet dreams…  I’m hittin’ the hay.